The empty hole inside
It happened last night. Again. Yet again. The hole inside me showed up again. Or opened up again. I became aware of a painful, gaping wound inside my torso. Heart and gut area.
This is NOT a new feeling. I wish it were, but this is oh SO familiar. It begins as a gnawing discontent, a restlessness, then unhappiness, which tends to move on to irritability, then anger, even rage. In the past I would have turned this emotion and energy on my partner. I used to, I have so many times before.
I finally GET that this feeling has NOTHING to do with him. Picking fights with him about real or perceived failings will not fill this hole. Trying to make him show/prove he cares or really loves me will not fix this. No outside person can fill this hole.
So last night I just FELT my feelings. I felt the sadness. I felt the disappointment. I felt the truly painful emptiness. And I cried. And I comforted myself.
It was SO clear last night that I have been “feeding” these feelings for a few years. With food. Too much food, thus my weight gain since moving to the farm. Last night as these feelings came up yet again, I thought of eating….and thankfully I knew that was not the answer.
Folks…..this is SO HARD! Sitting with feelings is HARD. I used to want to make the feelings stop. I would eat them away, distract myself with being too busy, too tired, pick a fight with my partner, just push them away. But they come back!
Why do I feel this? Why do I feel empty? Why do I feel not ok? Why do I feel not loved? Why do I feel not needed, not wanted, not enough?
I have no answer. I have no great explanation. I have felt these things for as long as I can remember: not always, but at times.
If you feel these things too, I want you to know that you are not alone.
Last night as I accepted my feelings, really embracing them kindly and with compassion, the intense pain eased. The urges to act on the pain eased off. I was able to go to sleep without any bad choices or self destructive action.
And now? I am still rather sad, but I am also SO proud of myself and how I am growing. I am so pleased to see the little steps of self acceptance. I know that will be the only way to peace.
So today I will celebrate my progress, not lament that these empty feelings still show up.